If your life sucks right now...
I want you to hear my honest heart when I tell you if your life sucks it will get better- that’s not a cliche. This season will end. I know it to be true for me and it will be for you.
I started actively pursuing music about 4 years ago. I hit a “now or never” crossroads moment of my life and step by step starting moving toward my goals. I knew I had to have some changes in my life if I wasn’t going to have a million regrets when I’m 80. I had to take control of it physically, emotionally, spiritually, every single talent, every single aspect.
The thing is, the place I was coming out of at the same time I made my decision was very, very dark. I had hit the bottom of the bottom with a smile on my face so that no one could actually know the depth of my pain. I eventually wrote a little blog about it that several people said was helpful to them. (It is still posted if you want to go find it.) It truly was more help to me than them. My battles with depression, anxiety, even suicidal thoughts and destructive behavior didn’t feel so secretive anymore. I felt liberated some what, like I could breathe.
Fast forward a couple years later and life is good. Life is really good. Perfect? No. But it does not even resemble what it was. I don’t feel the same way I did before about so many different issues and a lot of the things I have worked so hard for are actually happening. I have learned to enjoy the journey not just look for the finish line.
I don’t want to pretend that life just “happened” and things just got better all of a sudden. I don’t want people to look at me and think “Man, she’s got it all together" or "I don’t know how she does what she does, etc. etc.” People say those things to me all the time and I think - I wish I could tell you how untrue that is or how thankful I am just to be alive.
Sometimes we look at someones social media and automatically think everything in their life is perfect or question what is real and not real. We compare our successes and failures to theirs. Social Media is scientifically proven to make us less happy people. However it is currently woven into the fabric of society therefore we must find a way to adjust our thinking and even dependency on it. I truly have a love/hate relationship with it!
Here are a few things I have learned through all this that I want you to know:
Depression is real. It is mental, physical, and spiritual. It hurts. It zaps your energy, takes your family and your life day after day. You feel nothing and everything all at once. You can pray all day, but still feel abandoned. Everything is inflated, what used to seem like small issues are now impossible mountains. Sometimes your brain says you have to get out of bed today, but your body just wont listen. It hurts all over. There are a million more symptoms and effects I could never list them all…you can get better though. The depression does not own you or define you. Acknowledge its existence then take the power away from it.
It is not weakness to get help, it takes more strength to admit you need it and forget about the shame you may feel. It does NOT question your faith in God to seek help from doctors. God used doctors and the wisdom He gave them to save my life, you will absolutely never convince me otherwise. I truly hope and pray the Christian community will begin to take another look at their approach toward metal illness, depression and all of the other hormonal and physical issues associated with it. Get help from Jesus and get help from your doctor. I could talk forever about how life changing bio-identical hormones and Dr. Caputo have been!!
I can guarantee that you are not alone in how you feel. You are also not the first person who has ever had your specific problems. The minute you decide not to be a victim to circumstances anymore and take control is the moment your life can begin to shift.
Take baby steps to change the world around you.
Change does not happen overnight. It is second to second, minute to minute, hour by hour, day by day walking it out. It can be slow and it can be painful. Give yourself grace and take each little tiny positive step forward as a win for the day.
I always picture it as climbing out of a deep pit. Most people can’t just lift themselves out one big strong time, but if you keep working at it little by little you will make it out. I feel like then your awareness of pits like that is heightened so you know "I don’t EVER want to get in that place again!" You avoid the triggers to protect you from it all. Sometimes you win sometimes you don’t, but you still keep moving forward.
Why share this with you today? Because the past week there have been 2 songs I have listened to probably 1000 times each. I couldn’t make it through either of them without crying and crying like a baby! Eventually I did, now I just play and sing them over and over again.
I saw Brandi Carlisle play at the 30A Songwriters Festival this past weekend. This song “That Wasn’t Me” stopped me in my tracks right in the middle of all the people. It speaks to my heart in so many ways. If you have been in a place completely out of your mind or struggled with addiction I think you will understand this song!
Bethel Music released 4 songs off of their new album. All of them are fantastic but “Goodness of God” uuuugggghhhh my heart!! It is so very anointed and such truth. I can not listen to it or sing it enough.
Life is good. I am happier than I have ever been, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, but it wasn’t always this way. When you look at me and anything I ever do I hope you see the goodness of God because I shouldn’t be here. I want you to know deep down you will get better. You won’t be crazy forever.
Take a step today and move forward even if it is as tiny as a smile and a little hope.
Video at the top is me singing Brandi Carlisle's song "That Wasn't Me."
Below is me singing Bethel Music's new song "Goodness of God" if you have not heard the original version look it up along with all 4 of the other songs - you won't be disappointed!